Arnie sets the LAW!

Arnie is a cop being held prisoner in a room that is empty except for a chest of drawers. He opens the draws only to find a pair of AA batteries.


He puts one in each hand and waits for his captor to come in to see him. His captor arrives and as soon as he opens the door... Arnie jumps on him and shoves the batteries in his eyes and takes his gun. While the guy is rolling on the floor in pain Arnie says:

Arnie (One Liner): "I hereby CHARGE you with assault and BATTERY!!"

Arnie's Blind Date

Arnie gets setup on a blind date. What he doesn't know is that she is an undercover operator for the KGB and that Arnie is her next hit.

During the date she suddenly attacks him by flinging water into his face and picking him up and throwing him away from the table. He gets up and starts blocking her blows. While he manages to keep blocking her attacks, he gets pushed back into the kitchen. She picks up a knife from a bench and lunges at him. The only other thing he can see that is within reaching distance is a broom. He picks it up and trips her with it. She lets go of the knife and he catches it and immediately flings it right between her eyes.
He returns home.

His Friend: How did your date go?

Arnie (One Liner): "I swept her off her feet"!

Death Track

Arnie is a race car driver and he is in the pits one day preparing for a race. Fernando Ferrero, a competing driver and world champion, walks over to Arnie and taunts him with boasts that he is unbeatable. Arnie gets mad and rips a pole out of the ground and stabs Fernando with it.

Arnie (one-liner): "You just won pole position"

Arnie Vs The IT Manager

Scene: Arnie is confronted by an ambitious I.T project manager who wants to move up the "corporate ladder".
Arnie grabs a chair with steel legs and impales the IT manager with it's legs. The manager is lying dead on the floor with a chair through him and a coworker walks up to Arnie and says:

Co-worker: What happened here?
Arnie (One Liner): "He just got promoted to CHAIRMAN!"

Arnie walks into Chinese Restaurant!

Scene: Arnie eats at a Chinese Restaurant with his friends and is at the counter to pay his Bill. The man behind the counter comes up wearing a white t-shirt with "BILL" written on it in RED.

Arnie: I would like to pay for my dish ONLY!
Chinese Guy: (Rude Tone) We don't SPLIT BILL here.

Arnie uses a chain saw and rips the man in half.

Arnie (One Liner) : "They do now!!"